I've been delinquent. There's been a lot going on... not physical activities, but inner workings. Much of it has been deeply personal, and that often doesn't leave much energy or emotion for the writing process.
It's snowing now, and I love it. It helps me find that place of reflection. The biggest, fattest flakes are my favourite. So peaceful, reminding to think on things that are good and blessed. Somehow it assures me that will turn out alright in the end. That despite the difficulties, the world is a beautiful place.
My counsellor told me he sees my character changing, and he doesn't see that in his office very often. These days I've been looking up words I always thought I knew and have surprised myself with what I don't know.... fulfil, spunky, and now, character. He described seeing a toughness and strength in me that wasn't there 6 months ago. That I can now answer his questions by writing my own script, rather than searching for what I think is the “right” answer.
But I don't feel much different. I still feel nervous and uncertain. I am unsure of what to do next. But the feeling of being a scared little girl is slowly diminishing, I suppose. Not as frequent, not as strong. I can easily recognize it when it comes around, simply because it has become so familiar to me.
And I watch the snow fall. Contemplative. It's gentleness soothes and excites.
This year has truly been a year of healing – in ways I never could have imagined! It's been good, but it's been hard. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a year end and, at the same time, that very thought brings a choke in my throat that catches me off guard.
I wonder about the coming year. The anxiety I feel is different now, less generalized. I fear that the changes I've made won't keep. That I will slip into old ways, patterns and emotions.
I think I've found a courage this year that I didn't know I had... or maybe I've developed a courage that wasn't there before. Either way, now is the time to acknowledge the changes I've made. To consciously determine to change how I view myself.
It's been tough, but I don't doubt that I am somehow better equipped for the road that lies ahead. I think I am better equipped to help a child dealing with anxiety, to help them put words to their feelings. I have a much stronger understanding for finding ways to express the emotions that can be so big and overwhelming in their young lives, and the importance of doing so.